I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
