the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
