I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
