I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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