Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
