If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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