My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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