i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
