I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
