just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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