he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so let's talk penis.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
