my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
