So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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