I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
organizing the empties. That sober.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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