I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
