my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
