Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
