Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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