for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
