He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
did you just send me my own nude
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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