Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Randomize
