hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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