Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
