woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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