last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
