quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
