She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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