how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
