I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
