Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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