I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Randomize
