I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
