so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
