I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
sex in a hospital.. check
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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