I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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