I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
