Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
