do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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