just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
