instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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