I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
