I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
