I'm lost and stupid without you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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