i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it