It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
