Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
