first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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