dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
