Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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