I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
