Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
