had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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