remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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