you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
