I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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