Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
