Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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