I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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