in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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