Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
