If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
